Women and Girls HIV Awareness Day

March 10th ~

National Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

Just the other day, my husband and I were having lunch together. On the drive home, something caught his eye. He slowed down and made a turn into an unfamiliar apartment complex and pulled his truck up next to the pool house.

"What are we doing? It's a little cold to go swimming," I laughed.

He reached for my hand, his face serious. "See that electrical shed? That's where I was working the day you phoned me and told me that you and Alee had tested positive."

"Oh." I followed his gaze, shook my head. "You know, it's weird, but I don't even remember calling you. I don't remember much of anything that happened after..." My voice trailed off. I'd heard of that happening before–when something so traumatic happens that your mind blocks the memory. "What did I say? Did I just blurt it out?" I asked.

He thought for a moment. "No. You just said that I needed to come home, and when I asked you why, you wouldn't tell me. I kept asking you to tell me what was wrong and finally I asked if you'd gotten the test back, and you said yes, and then I just knew. I dropped my tools, I left everything–I just left and tried to get home as fast as I could." He turned his head away, but not before I could see that he was crying.

All these years later, it still hurts.

I'd met and married my husband of now twenty-four years in 1988, and almost ten years into our marriage, shortly after the birth of our second child, our life was turned upside down by AIDS. I'd unknowingly contracted the disease from a young man I'd been engaged to when I was nineteen who, I was told, had died of cancer.

It isn't easy to look back. I think those first days after finding out–those gray memories that have gone blank–are because I must have been in shock. Here's what I do remember...

The call from the hospital that had treated our baby for a severe bout of asthma. We were simply told that something in our baby's blood work had come back that warranted an AIDS test. They said that our whole family should be tested.

In 1996 you could purchase "anonymous" HIV testing kits at any drug store. We bought three. One for Clay, one for myself, and one for Alee. The test was fairly simple. We pricked our fingers, put a drop of blood on a strip, sealed it inside an envelope and sent it by Fed Ex to the testing lab. Days later we were to call the lab, give our "number" to the telephone personnel and we'd get our results. Clay's results came back quickly. He was negative! At this point, I still was holding out hope that we'd all test negative.

Mine and Alee's results took longer. I'll never forget that phone call...

I'd been on hold for a number of minutes. Clay's results had been different. He'd gotten an automated response. Why was I being put on hold? Finally a woman's voice came on the line.

I held the receiver pressed to my ear. I thought I'd heard her wrong. "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "your test came back positive for the HIV antibody."

My body went numb, and my chest tightened. What an awful mistake for this woman to make. I was still clinging to denial. Oh God...not this...not AIDS. I didn't realize that I'd started to pray.

"Ma'am, I can give you some resource numbers in your area..."

"Wait. I have another number. Can you check one more number for me, please?" I asked.

"You have another number?" She sounded confused.

"Yes. It's my daughter's." I could barely speak, my voice hollow in my ears. I held the slip of paper in my shaking hand and read the numbers off to her.

"How old is your daughter, ma'am?"

"She's six years old." My heart is breaking. Right here. Right now.

There was a pause. "Oh my God," she whispered.

Don't say it... Please don't say it.

"I'm so sorry. She's positive. The test was positive."

No! This isn't happening. This isn't real! I felt as if the room were tipping and at any moment I would lose my grip.

"Ma'am, are you still there? Do you have someone with you? Is there someone you can call? Hello?"

"I'm sorry. I have to go." I don't remember hanging up the phone and I don't remember calling my husband either. That memory is gone. What I do remember about that day was picking Alee up from school very soon after, seeing her face, small and pale smiling up at me as I reached out to take her hand, and then I draw a blank for days.... Yes, I was in shock.

Did you know that in the United States a woman or girl tests positive for the HIV virus every thirty-five minutes? Today, out of the 33 million who are estimated to be living with HIV/

AIDS, half are women, and that number is on the rise. Why? In many instances it's because women still don't believe they are at risk.

Did I think I was at risk? No, and that was my biggest mistake–thinking that HIV could never happen to me. Today, I'm very fortunate. My life is truly blessed. Still, it's never easy looking back, but I share my story today in the hopes that something good will come of it. If hearing my story touches one person or keeps one person from going through what my family has had to endure, then that means something.

Please share this story with the women in your life, and I thank you for reading.

Want to help? Check out these two wonderful organizations to learn more.

amfAR-The Foundation For AIDS Research

EGPAF-The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation

Suzan Stirling is an author an advocate. Stirling's debut novel, The Silence of Mercy Bleu (publish date, March 15th) is now available for pre-order at BarnesandNoble.com or Amazon.com

In honor of Women and Girls HIV Awareness Day I'll be giving away three signed copies of The Silence of Mercy Bleu! Here's how to enter the drawing:

1) Visit Suzan Stirling on FB HERE

2) Hit the "Like" at the top of the page to be entered in todays drawing!

3) Names will be chosen at random (11pm est) and the three lucky winners will be notified 3/11/12. Good luck!

Author website: SuzanStirling.com

READ REVIEWS Five stars for The Silence of Mercy Bleu by Suzan Stirling!

"Through her descriptive language, Suzan Stirling has created a captivating journey of the human soul as the herione in the story finds hope in the midst of despair. With the loss of her entire family, Mercy Bleu discovers "family" in the people around her...those who give her unconditional love and support. In life, we all can have these "earth angels" with whom we connect and find meaning in living. Stirling easily draws the reader into her story as she creates imagery in the reader's mind, helping the reader see and feel the emotion of the main character. The deeper one gets into the book and the character, the harder it is to put the book down. The final chapters keep the reader rivated, unable to turn the pages quickly enough to see how hope triumphs. Thank you, Suzan, for intertwining an advocacy of hope for those who are HIV positive while entertaining us with a tale of the simple goodness of people. I loved it!!" ~Lisa Cheek